I get utterly disgusted by the food that people buy. Sugar-laden, neon-colored cereal; dehydrated instant potato flakes; tiny-portioned, bland TV dinners to name just a few. Don’t people know how to cook? Don’t they know the joy of a hot, freshly baked potato with butter and sour cream? Do they realize you could steam some veggies just as fast as you could microwave water? No, they don’t.

The ignorant people who patronize Big Box Mart say things like, “I don’t want to buy this package of chicken. It has blood in it.” Um, duh, chickens are animals and animals contain blood. “This watermelon has a funny yellow spot on it. I don’t want it.” That would be the spot where the melon lay in the dirt as it grew, you idiot. People no longer understand how things grow or how an item gets from farm (or factory) to store.

To celebrate the evils of modern “food”, I have decided to make my own (better) slogans for foods I despise.

“Lunchables: Because Your Mom Doesn’t Love You Enough to Pack You a Real Lunch”

“Pediasure: Making Sure That Children Learn to Like Chocolate More Than Fruits and Vegetables Since 1992″

“Fizzix: Because Your Children Aren’t Rotting Their Teeth Fast Enough”

“Refrigerated Cookie Dough: When You Don’t Give a Crap if it’s Homemade or Not” (One brand of dry “just add oil/egg” cookie mix, says “Homemade in just 10 minutes”. Um, no.)

“Banquet TV Dinners: Letting You Know That Mom Could Care Less About You (And More About Her Martini) Since 1952″

“Kraft Easy Mac: Because Mom’s too Busy Smoking Weed to Boil Water”

“Uncrustables: Because Assembling a PB&J Takes Time Away from Tweeting”

“Uncrustables: Now In ‘Grilled Cheez-Like Food Product Flavor!’ Because Making A Grilled Cheese Sandwich is Hard!”

A woman at work (late twenty-something, pregnant with her third child) does not know how to cook. At all. When her toddler requests a grilled cheese sandwich, she toasts two pieces of  bread, slaps a piece of cheese-food in between them and nukes until the cheese melts.

The above products are made for people like that.