Since this seems to be a continuing problem, I’ve decided to make it a series….

U-Scan, Self Checkout, You Scan The S*** Yourself – whatever the store calls it, IT IS NOT A TOY nor is it a fun thing for your child to do to keep him/her occupied while you talk on the phone or look at magazines. It is a register where you should CORRECTLY ring up your merchandise. Do not blame the attendant when your child rings up candy you didn’t want her to buy or scans the same item two or three times. Didn’t you notice that the total was $20 higher than you thought it was supposed to be before you swiped your credit card?

The cashier has no control over check acceptance policies. No check numbers under 500, out of state checks, presigned checks, and ABSOLUTELY no checks written in red ink. When told the check is debited electronically and the funds will be deducted immediately, the customer says, “Well, why didn’t I just use my debit card then?”. Well, why the heck didn’t you? Whatever the policy is, the cashier is just following policy and has to do what management dictates. I am not going to risk being FIRED because someone wants me to take a check I don’t feel comfortable taking.

Don’t ask for your items to be double bagged or triple bagged. We know it’s because you are too cheap to buy the little trash bags for your bathroom trash can. Okay, bags might cost a supermarket one millionth of a penny a piece, but if you add those up for all the customers, and all the shifts, and all the stores worldwide, that’s a heck of a lot of money. To the people that blatantly steal packs of bags off closed registers: I hope you enjoy your free trash bags. You are one of the reasons I won’t get a holiday bonus this year.

If you walk up to an express lane, and need to count your items before approaching, you have too many.

If the store you are shopping in has satellite stores (hair salon, nail salon, shoe repair, sandwich shop, etc.) do not complain to the cashiers or service desk about their hours, service, products, etc., as these stores are staffed and/or owned independently.

Don’t complain about how you don’t like the PIN pads/credit/debit readers. You don’t have a PIN? No, more likely you just don’t remember it. Ask nicely, “how can I bypass the PIN screen to use this as a credit card?”. Don’t just bark, “There’s no PIN.” “I don’t like the way my signature looks on these electronic pads.” Oh, yeah? I don’t like how I look in a full length mirror under florescent lighting. Too bad. Don’t complain that debit cards are “too much work” or have “too many questions”. You are using a debit card for the ease of the transaction, versus the complications that checks can represent. So, therefore you have to enter you PIN, choose an amount for cash back, approve the amount cash back OR choose NO CASH BACK. I don’t know how many people think they hit NO then approve $60, $80 or $100 cash back, because they do not LOOK at the screen. Then they shriek, “I told you no cash back!”. I always calmly tell them that they are the one who pressed the amount for cash back and then CONFIRMED the amount. If this necessitates an extra trip to the bank for them, ah, well.

Even though it has only happened three times in one year, it still represents too many occurrences. On the “scan your own crap” terminal: “If I have a coupon, do I press ‘coupon’?” No, please press ‘trap door’. A hole will open and you will fall into the bowels of the Big Box Store where many slightly hungry alligators await your arrival.